Going home

Railway toilets plastered with washing soda,
The rasping of nylon streamers against fly racquets,
Chinese toys beating about before the vendor quickly bundles up and flees,
Jasmine garlands and incense-stick boxes
Sharing space with severed goats' heads
Their eyes staring glassily at you to match your startled glance,
The smell of fried flour and potatoes,
And of withering cabbage stalks,
Taxi smoke, gasoline and soot,
Sweat - anxious sweat - whiffing by on hurried steps,
And a quickly muttered apology on pushing you out of the way,
Mysore masala dosas frying on a street griddle
All beetroot and carrot and tomato flakes,
A promise of naked women in usb drives,
And hard-bodied nude males promising fairer skin from giant billboards,
Death of course, lurking everywhere, sometimes peering from a bier,
Suburban lifeforms in their TV-equipped habitats not peering out of lit windows;

And I - I just go home, as everyday.

Why 'Mall Culture' could save India

[Originally written for The South Reports]

Say the word mall, and there are people who will immediately start calling you names and start frothing at the mouth. This article is not aimed at them. This article is aimed instead at the common man, who stoically puts up with everything life throws at him, including such things as this article.

So why would this article talk about malls? In a time when malnutrition is the flavour of the day, mall-nutrition might be the way forward. It could make us a happier, more efficient and hence more productive nation. Here are ten reasons why:

1. Toilets: Entry into most malls is free (those with an entry fee are generally empty), and toilets in those malls are free too. They are also well-drained, cleaned regularly, and if they smell at all, it will be of disinfectant and toilet-cleaning liquids. A round-the-clock staff is employed to maintain them. Compare these to municipality-built 'public' toilets, which smell of urea, charge you a rupee or two, and employ some of the most rude people on earth. It is therefore a case that mall-building should be encouraged in all urban localities and rural hamlets in the interest of public sanitation.

2. Air-conditioned spaces: Given that entry into most malls is free (as long as you wear some decent clothes), malls make a good argument for parking a lot of loiterers. These are young unemployed and unemployable men who would otherwise be exposed to extreme weather (heat, chills or rain) on the streets and therefore wont to be hotheaded. The balanced environment in a mall would make them cool-headed, and also sequester them from political parties looking to hire goons on the cheap. After seeing the coffee bars and food courts, our young hooligans might not be willing to settle for the cutting chai, 200 gm biryani and fifty rupees they are now paid to enforce bandhs. Bandhs might become fewer, once the rate for such hooligans rises to include one cappuccino, one pasta bolognese, five hundred rupees and a pair of jeans. Wouldn't this be a good reason to build malls everywhere?

3. Babes and dudes: Young women (and in this era of gender equality and metrosexuality, young men) in malls are on average, prettier, fitter and more tightly dressed than those on the street. This is a good reason for the people mentioned in point 2 (some of whom are in fact pretty good-looking) to congregate in malls. Now before you begin to rail the evils of voluptuousness, pause to consider its benefits. The need to impress young women (and men) will mean you have to come better dressed, preferably bathed and shaved. This could lead to you being spotted by a model coordinator or aspiring director, and hence get you a break in the fashion or films industry (or as happens now, both). And more attractive people in public life makes attracting tourists easier. In north India this might mean sacrificing a political career, in the south you get the best of both worlds. Would you still oppose their construction? (Aesthetic architects' opinions are automatically disqualified.)

4. Rickshaws: Anyone trying to catch a rickshaw will know how hard it is to find a rickshaw going in the same direction as you (That a rickshaw will actually go where you want it to go, is of course, a concept that gives rickshaw drivers a lot to laugh at). But if malls were built in all localities, rickshaw men would be more than willing to ferry customers to practically any destination. This may be because their needs from point 1 need fulfilling, their friends from point 2 might be there or simply because of all those point 3 eye-candy people. They will never crib about getting return fare or want double fares, because they will always find a babe laden with shopping bags. The dude factor might also encourage women to take up rickshaw driving as a profession.

5. Parking: Most urban localities have few parking facilities, leading to cars spilling onto the road. This leaves the owner exposed to the risk of theft (even if it theft only of the car brand's logo, which makes your shining new car more than a tad ugly). You can keep it parked in your neighbourhood mall, as long as you pretend to shop there (drive into the parking lot, then get out of the pedestrian entrance). You not only get valet services, but it also decongests the roads, making your overall driving experience better. It also benefits those taking public transport, by opening up lanes otherwise choked by parked cars. And you are not exposed to municipal parking lots with their rude attendants and unreasonable parking fees. Moral: more malls, more parking.

6. Roads: Malls have been accused of increasing gentrification (This means more affluent people move into the locality). This I say is a good thing. Affluent people pull strings, whereas the common man can only cast a vote. Affluent people shopping in your are will demand that the municipality upgrade the roads. Which the municipality will do, because corporators (or councillors) need funds for the next election. Better roads means that fewer buses will break down, fewer potholes, fewer jams. Win-win for both the poor and the affluent.

7. Electricity: The common man lives without it. Malls don't, that's why they have power back-ups. And that is useful, especially when there is a cricket tournament to be caught at 4 AM when the friendly state electricity board is in the throes 'load shedding'. You may choose to fail an exam rather than defile the principles of socialism by studying by mall-light, but cricket trumps everything. And there is nothing like watching Team India get thrashed by an innings, along with your entire neighbourhood. Because a community that suffers together, stays together. Malls + load shedding = communal harmony. Can you beat that equation?

8. Teen tracking: In the pre-mall days, if a teenage son or daughter was missing for a few hours after school or college, one had no idea where she or he went. Could be in some innocuous video game parlour, watching adult movies in a friend's house or in the clutches of some sex predator. Now you have the confidence that the teen is simply 'hanging out' in some mall or the other, drinking expensive coffee at your (ultimate) expense. If you give your child's description to all mall authorities in your town, they can keep you informed of her or his movements, without hampering the kid's 'fun'. You may be drained of fiscal capital, but your social capital stays intact.

9. Wi-fi: This reason is low down, but still important. Several malls now provide good wireless connectivity. If you go to a mall's cafe, order an espresso and drink it over six hours (ignore the irony), you have an excuse to sit there and get all your work done – checking mails, updating excel sheets, writing articles (such as this one), tweeting, blogging, paying bills, e-banking...the list is endless. No need to buy an expensive and unreliable LAN, or even a dongle. Gone are the days when you struggled with your MTNL / BSNL modem and its amazing noises.

10. Boss-dodging: The best reason I have saved for the last. While wi-fi may be exemplary in malls, your avergae telephone network signal is pathetic. That is indeed one reason why the teens of point 8 prefer hanging out in a mall; you can't call them. But that opens the delightful thought of experiencing the luxury of point 9, without having your fat-faced, nosey, nagging boss calling you after office hours or summoning you to his cabin on a Sunday for a tongue lashing. Or worse – to sms you a joke he made up. Because you can always hide behind lack of signal. Which is why I think it should be a capital offence to install mobile towers with 500 metres of a mall.

A hygienic, non-violent, better groomed, efficient, harmonious, easily commuting, well-parked, un-bumped, un-embarrassed and unbossed society is what malls will bring about. Could you find ten arguments more compelling than these?

Sion Aaya

This should become one of Mumbai's evergreen classics!

The Anthropological Taxonomy of Mumbaikars

[Originally posted on The South Reports]

Abstract:

As a Mumbaikar, born in Matunga and raised in military cantonments, I have had both an indsider's and an outsider's perspective of this city in which I have made (and unmade) my destiny. This has given me a unique (and unenviable) chance to observe the denizens of this super-city very carefully, and make mental notes from time to time. For the sake of those who seek to know this sometimes bewildering metropolis, this article will lay out a brief anthropological study.

Methods:

The chief methods used in this study are listed as follows:

1. Resident observation: Like Jane Goodall who became the world's expert on chimpanzees by living among them, I have been living among the Mumbaikars to gain the best insights. This consists of

a) buying a house

b) thereby undergoing daily living expenses

c) therefore holding down a job

d) hence commuting by crushing train and lurching bus and

e) interacting with representative specimens.

At the same time, a scientifically detached mind is needed, lest one forget that one's objective is study and not sympathy.

2. Copious note-taking: All anthropological and behaviour studies consist of letting the subjects be as free as is possible, and to mask the observer effect. Therefore, use of cameras, sound recorders and such articles as may bring out the worst in behaviour (as camera recordings of parliament have shown) have been assiduously avoided. Instead taking hand-written notes, especially in the form of sms, is the preferred method.

3. Unbiased interviews: Subjects have been interviewed by the author, without their knowing that this is an interview. This has taken the form of verbal fights with rickshawmen, idle chit-chat in buses and queues, squabbles in local trains during rush-hour, eavesdropping on people in restaurants etc.

4. Literature survey: It is important to know what studies have been performed already. For this, a regular subscription to Mumbai Mirror and other sleazy journals is a must. Also reading Saamna, Mumbai Samachar, Marattiya Malar, Inquilab over the shoulders of commuters.

Observations and Inferences:

The study lasted a period of over seventeen years. While there may not be much scope to present a detailed study, a short summary is presented herein. It is thus the author's claim that Mumbaikars can be divided roughly into ten major species in three genera, listed below in terms of visibility:-

Genus Bombaicus:

This genus exists in a tiny minority in the city's population, but is nevertheless its most visible and overwhelming. Much of the city's infrastructure is designed keeping this genus in mind. Divided into three species:

Bombaicus sobo: Commonly known as the Sobo; females of the species are sometimes called Sobitches. Lives in South Bombay, and will not be caught dead referring to the city as Mumbai. Inhabits Colaba, Cuffe Parade, Malabar Hill and Cumballa Hill; ignorant of all land and life north of Mahalakshmi. Wears Armani suits and totes Gucci bags. Does not vote in elections due to lack of valet parking and air-conditioning in polling booths.

Bombaicus bandraicus: Commonly called the Bandroid; females are Bandra babes. Formerly endemic to Bandra, but now may be found as far north as Andheri Lokhandwala. Males brawny with gym-ripped musculature, females skinny with shaved legs. Brain not detected in most. Work as receptionists, models, starlets or as eye-candy in Page 3 pictures.

Bombaicus modernicus: Actually a mutant species from the below-mentioned genus, but prefers to align with the former. Lives in suburbs, and is reluctant to admit so. Will refer to Mumbai as Bombay as far as one can. Tries to follow the Sobo and the Bandroid, but not as far as Mauritius for vacations (can't afford it; so settles for Goa instead). Will regret the decline of the city; and will do so on Facebook, Twitter and blogs. Uses voting day for an excuse to go on an excursion to Lonavala.

Genus Mumbaicarus:

This is the dominant genus, making up most of the population. Visibility ranges from negligible to none. The common feature of this genus is the infinite ability to cope with bullshit, sometimes euphemistically referred to as the 'Mumbai spirit'. Divided into seven species:

Mumbaicarus maladicus: Sometimes referred to as M. occidentalis. Inhabits the region from Khar to Mira Road. Divided into two races. Race gujju is known for operating small to medium businesses, getting crushed in first class compartments of local trains, reading Gujarati economic newspapers and shouting profanities into the phone. Visibility rises phenomenally during the dandiya season. Race bhaiyya is known for operating tiny to small businesses or doing menial jobs, getting crushed in second class compartments of local trains, reading Hindi lurid papers and shouting profanities into the phone. Almost never visible to the city's planners.

Mumbaicarus mulundicus: Sometimes referred to as M. centralis. Inhabits the region from Dadar to Kalyan. Exclusively Marathi-speaking. Divided into two races - kalyanicus and dadaricus. The former is always in a rush, often younger or middle-aged and reads Lokmat; the latter has enormous leisure (to spend at plays) and is elderly with children settled in America and reads Loksatta. Visibility rises during Ganpati season; especially in lines at Lalbaugcha Raja. As invisible to city planners as M. maladicus.

Mumbaicarus mankhurdicus: Sometimes referred to as M. harboricus. Inhabits the region from Dockyard Road to Panvel. This is a poorly studied species, despite its relative abundance. Nevertheless, two subspecies can be discerned; debate exists as to whether they may be two separate species altogether. Subspecies M. m. sewricus is found in the Dockyard Road-Mankhurd area, inhabits dilapidated chawls, while susbspecies M.m. navimumbaicus lives in the areas beyond Vashi. As invisible to city planners as the above two species.

Mumbaicarus masala-dosicus: Also referred to a M. mathematicus; commonly called ‘Lungi’, though never on the face. This is a migrant species that has now made Mumbai its home. Formerly concentrated in Matunga and Dharavi, it has now spread all over Mumbai. You can see specimens of this species in the accounts departments of most offices, as well as running Udupi hotels and masala dosa stalls in business districts. Generally invisible, unless mathematics or hunger strikes.

Mumbaicarus millworkericus: Also M. slumdwellicus. The most numerous and most invisible species of this city. Gaunt thin appearance, generally hungry, but extremely hardworking. Family size of about six squashed into a flimsy shoebox. When elections come round however, this species becomes the most visible and celebrated of the city’s inhabitants. A spectacle that occurs once in five years, similar to the bamboo flowering season that happens once in 12 years. In 2012, the M. millworkericus Visibility Incident is scheduled for February 18.

Mumbaicarus manseicus: Unusually for species in the Mumbaicarus genus, this is a highly visible species; often seen with sticks, cycle chains and slogans. Commonly seen putting up posters and hoardings of chosen leaders. The taxonomy of this species is tricky. It has two races, which are utterly hostile to each other. The MaNaSe race is generally considered more radical, but the Sena race makes it up with numbers. It has been suggested that the Sena race be separated as Mumbaicarus senaicus, although this is evolutionarily the earlier race.

Genus D:

This genus, which has only one species – D.companicus –, is the strangest of them all. Although almost entirely invisible, even during election season, it exercises a disproportionate influence on the other species. If seen at all, it will be on a bike with swords or guns; else it is rarely reported except in ‘encounters’ with the police. Nevertheless, a continuing source of inspiration for Ram Gopal Verma’s badly made films. This species has also left behind a lasting image of Mumbai in other cities.

Conclusion:

This study has managed to document the major species of the city, their habits and visibility over a period of 17 years. Yet it may be said that it suffers from two flaws. Firstly, seventeen years is still too small a time to completely document all specimens. Other species, diverse in numbers and visibility might still exist. Secondly, observer bias cannot be ruled out. The observer can, for example, assert with 95% confidence limits that the incidence of M. masala-dosicus might be higher than real, largely as a result of belonging to that species and therefore attending too many weddings of that species.

Nevertheless, this may be successfully reported as the first attempt at drawing up a comprehensive anthropological taxonomy of Mumbai.

On Stories

As children, we see everything as one big story or narrative. We put together apparently unrelated incidents into a story, to make them make sense with respect to each other. It is an important aspect of learning, because children learn cause and effect that way the best. Which is why everything that has to be taught to children, whether morals (Aesop's fables) or relationships (fairy tales) or language (like Kipling's just-so stories) is best taught through stories.

As we grow into adults, we transit (not easily) from narrative to abstract thinking, when we take unrelated events to be,well, unrelated. This learning is not perfect. We fail to see the narrative sometimes when it is there (like stock market crashes), sometimes we see a narrative when there is none (CIA conspiracies).

Writers are in that sense children still - they see and put together narratives. After all, the cleverest stories happen when strange, seemingly unrelated items are deftly woven into something that shocks or delights.

The Matheran Song

The Moon in Matheran, they say is mighty fine
The Moon in Matheran, they say is mighty fine
It looks like yellow custard, or olives soaked in wine.
It hides among the teak trees and chills you up the spine.

[Chorus:
Aila I want to go,
Uima I want to go,
Show me the way to go home. (repeat)]

The Horses in Matheran, they say are mighty fine
The Horses in Matheran, they say are mighty fine
They tend to bolt in panic if you fall out of line.
Most are scared of puppies, the rest are scared of swine.

[Chorus]

The Lodges in Matheran, they say are mighty fine
The Lodges in Matheran, they say are mighty fine
Their bills are trigonometric with tangent and cosine.
All are horror stories of interior design.

[Chorus]

The Chikki in Matheran, they say is mighty fine
The Chikki in Matheran, they say is mighty fine
Some is soaked in glucose, the rest is soaked in brine.
Those that are not acidic, are very alkaline.

[Chorus]

The Trains in Matheran, they say are mighty fine
The Trains in Matheran, they say are mighty fine
They bore you halfway uphill, and take up all your time.
It's simply easier to run up the railway line.

[Chorus]

{Dedicated to all those who find Matheran very boring. Tune and rhyme ripped off from "The girls in the army", which I knew in childhood.}

Order and Chaos

Do we half mind

the splintering of dreams,

as the sundering,

often clinically,

of what we take to be

the background hum

of our soul's universe?

- me

Order emerges out of
and is absurdised back into the Chaos,
which is wrongly perceived as a Great Void.
Energies stabilise,
forms swirl into shape
as the kaleidoscope's roll slows down,
the myriad crystal edges whirl like dervishes,
axioms roll and tumble,
when eternity's coils do not constrict,
our comfort is from a calming canopy overhead.

- Balakrishnan S.