A Confessional

Mio caro Alessandro,

Con man tremante e occhi pieni di lacrimi - I write to you, as I have written before, that the light of my life will dim away. Ale, your cancer leaves me alone in the world. O Alessandro, what a heartless and cruel love have I gotten trapped into?

I have success now; I'm a senator, and who was behind it all? What will I do without you? Do you not care, could you not have kept your cancer for a future date? A date when I am frail and about to die, then you can be free to die yourself? - Il dolore, brucia il mio cuore.

Ha! Sono felice che è finito. I cannot keep up the pretence anymore, and soon I need not. Rocky, I’m writing all this for you – a full confessional. It’ll be burnt later on. I never did love you.

I am an ambitious man. I do not want love or fidelity. I want power. The fame and money that a successful nation-dividing would bring. The trappings of senatorhood.

I knew the anti-homosexual legislation was coming, secretly circulated among conservative senators. I saw my chance, and took the opportunity. Fighting the world to save my love. All the liberal tears that would be shed for it!

Seducing you and building the ‘relationship’ was easy. Then the law came, and the televised drama about the disrupted 'civil union'. Ah! The martyrdom that the law brought to us was something to die for (forgive the pun). It won me what I wanted – the money to run a ferocious lawsuit, and the fame that a liberal-minded press would bring. A sympathetic public was granted. The victory won me a devoted constituency.

The election was no big deal, since the groundwork was done. What do pretty young things voting for the first time know of politics? A gay lawyer in the courthouse, a gay senator in Congress – this is the stuff of eternal tragedy! Legends of rebellion that nineteen-year-olds (who made up the bulk of the voting district) make heroes of. My opponent stood no chance.

But I was naïve to think I could neglect you the moment the votes were counted. All that I really want – power, bribes, all the sex I wanted from men and women – for everything you stood in my way. I hated it. You were the gateway to my success, but now I could not forgo you and proceed along the road. You were Hephaestus to my Aphrodite: you made for me the golden girdle of pleasure, and expect me to stay stuck to you? I needed to get rid of you. Avete dovuto morire!

I took biology when I was a grad student. I remember Ethidium Bromide. A little red chemical, a drop of which, given to someone over years, is sure to cause cancer. It was not difficult to procure. A senatorial visit to the university labs, and some deft sleight of hand, and the bottle was in my hand. For the next two years you drank the stuff – in water, beer, whatever. Luckily doctors never found out. It all worked in the end.

And then the book contract came. You see, I got six million dollars straightaway to sign away the book rights. More will follow when it gets published. I even thought of the first line – In the beginning, I had love, but no money, no fame. I have power, and money and fame now, but my love is dying. It makes for a great opener.

If you die, it makes my thing complete. The lawyer’s struggle against a heartless society and legislature to stand up for his love, the final victory of the struggle, the celebrated couple standing up for their rights. The election of the first gay senator – it is history in the making, man – and then the terrible tragedy unfolds – the pair, was die Möde streng geteilt – that stuck through thick and thin, parted by the grim reaper. What the iron hand of law failed to do, the silken hand of Nature did. It would have been a bestseller, man, a bestseller.

My term as senator was undistinguished, and chances of re-election are slight. But this book will see me through several more millions. I’ll move to some other country, and have all the sex and wine and pleasure I want. I shan’t have to steal out and seek satisfaction - con un ladro - away from your stupid gaze anymore. But for all this you needed to die, and Ethidium bromide is playing its part.

I’m watching you read this, waiting for you to drop dead. I shall love you when you’re dead, but for now, ti odio - I hate you.

Il tio,

Mico

*****

Mio caro Alessandro – My dear Alexander
Con man tremante e occhi pieni di lacrimi - With trembling hand and tearful eyes
Il dolore, brucia il mio cuore - The pain, it burns my heart.
Sono felice che è finito – I am happy that it is over.
Avete dovuto morire! – you had to die!
was die Möde streng geteilt – What the customs (of the day) tear apart
con un ladro – like a thief
Il tio -Yours