Wanted: A Pied Piper for Bangalore

Sorry, sorry, sorry. The title should read: Wanted: A Pied Piper for Bengaluru.

When the town of Hamelin in what is now Germany was infested by rats, none of their pest control methods succeeded. Finally they had to hire a piper, who lured the rats to their deaths in the town's river. But they refused to pay him, so he lured away all the children and that was the end of the story.

I suggest that the Bengaluru Mahanagara Palike put out advertisements in Allgemeine Zeitung and other German newspapers, offering to pay the Pied Piper a fantastic sum of money to arrive in the as-of-now Garden City. They will need him very, very soon. Of course, to keep Kannada Chaluvali Vatal Paksha happy, they must also advertise in Udayavani and Kannada Prabha.

It might also provide a good opportunity for Bengaluru's Mayor, BMP Commissioner and BDA Commissioner to wangle a free junket to New York. Depending on whether one believes the conservatives or alarmists, there are as many as one to twelve New Yorkers of the species Rattus rattus, for every one of Homo sapiens. This might be the time for the Worshipful Mayor and other city elders to ask Michael Bloomberg how he deals with them (the rats), for they (the city elders) will need those skills soon. Unfortunately, there being no known Al-Qaeda of Rats, one doesn't know of any methods of preventing the ratio skewing in the rats' favour further. Perhaps the junket might not be worth the expense.

Also, the Chief Minister, Governor, all ministers, politicians and bureaucrats as well as Vijay Mallya, Narayana Murthy, Azim Premji and other Bangalore millionaires are advised to immediately begin the construction of moats around their houses and fill them with poisoned water. The remaining janata janardhan might have to stock up on rat traps and poisons. Masale vade is a good medium to stuff rat poison into, being a favourite among rats. For Bengaluru is about to experience the worst ever plague of rats.

Actually it may not, if all the garbage dumps are cleared immediately and all refuse is picked from the streets. Daily safai operations will also help. But these are bourgeois measures aimed at harassing workers and abrogating their right not to deliver their salary's worth of work. Thus they are impractical and will be opposed tooth and nail by the unions. The rat plague might be more bearable.

One measure might be to encourage the best Chinese and Vietnamese chefs to immigrate to Bengaluru. They can teach Bengalurigas the best ways of cooking rats (grill, fry, barbecue?). One might also want to try out Tandoori Rat and Rat Chettinad. I mean no offence; unless one taste rat-flesh one will never know the real pleasures of non-veg. Only, the Irulas must be kept out, for they are Tamil rat-eaters who will drink precious Kaveri water, which cannot be allowed. Think of the poor Mandya ryots' thrice-a-year sugarcane crop!

I think it is time to bring this depressing Cassandra essay to a close. I have been beating about the bush (rather than beating Bush) for too long. Why should I predict that Bangalore is going to have a rat plague, just like New York is experiencing? What kept it from not having this plague earlier? There was a reason. Somebody was, till date, eating all the garbage. And the rats, too. But the Bangaloreans don't like them anymore. But if the want to avoid doomsday:

Leave the stray dogs alone.