Letter to a wife who eloped

Dearest Vijayageetha,

I don’t think I have ever loved you more than I love you now. Ever since you eloped with my close companion Raghavendra, I have been living the sort of life I never dreamt would ever be possible. You have solved two perennial problems in one go. First you will not nag me anymore, and that unbearable bloke will never bore me to tears with his boasts anymore. Bliss!

But you will have to come back. There are several things you have left behind, which I have no intention of retaining. Here is the full inventory:-

1. Your mother: I have no intention of keeping a mother-in-law in my house. I definitely don’t want you to come back, so I don’t want your mother increasing my phone bill with her incessant STD calls asking you to come back. I am also tired of explaining why that nincompoop Raghavendra is the son-in-law she should be living with.

2. Your dowry: I will not have your father nagging me about not caring for a wife but retaining the dowry. Oh yes, you will have to take him too. And don’t forget the dowry – I never did want it.

3. Your daughter: There is no point in running away if you are going to leave an exact and functional replica behind. I wonder if Jahnavi is really my daughter or whether you cloned her from yourself.

4.Raghavendra’s things: Your new life-partner’s old life-partner is very happy to transfer to you her right and privilege of cleaning up after him. Accordingly she has deposited all of his unwashed clothes in my house to be passed on to you. As I cannot deprive you of your rights, please come back and take them.

Please inform me when and how you shall be able to return. I shall arrive to receive you and deposit you and your above-mentioned possessions on the immediate flight/train back.

Yours truly,
Satyanarayana.